im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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