I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
