I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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