Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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