I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
