someone threw a dead crab at me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
