I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
