great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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