i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
