at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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