so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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