my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You may now shotgun with the bride
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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