Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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