You smell like stripper and shame
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
