Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
