Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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