All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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