1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
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