I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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