dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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