maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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