just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
