Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
