i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
