Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
