we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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