I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
