Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
