So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
