Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
