Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
