And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
