ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
