Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
