if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
