Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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