Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
