I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
