Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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