They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
