I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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