false alarm. still invincible.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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