just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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