i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
