??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
