I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
