not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
