Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
