swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
