im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
