I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
