if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
