I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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