On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
