I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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